Presence Too Great To Bear

This window is part of a series I did this spring revisiting and exploring the hallucinations I suffered from around age 11 to age 19 or so. This particular hallucination represents the paranoid aspect of the disorder I live with, particularly the sensation I often had that there was a great, terrible presence constantly at my back, looming over my every step and never letting me be safe...

From my statement: These works are a candid representation of my personal hallucinations from past years as a young schizoaffective fortunate enough to be “better” and aware of my own illness. Power is reclaimed from the condition of “crazy” by objectifying the symptoms, establishing distance and ownership for the hallucinator. The safety of the window’s barrier and its affectation of what is seen through it are surrogates for the human mind’s way of seeing and interpreting. By honestly sharing these unfortunate sensations, When I Was Still Crazy is also educating and disabling the dismissive stigma so often applied to those living with mental illness by a society that largely misunderstands the condition and the person living in spite of it.

Dimensions: 44” x 67.5” (roughly )
Materials: 100+ year old storm window salvaged from Denver area home, tapered candle smoke, and wet q-tips.
Process: I propped this window up face-down at 30 to 45 degree angle using a chair and a ladder, then sat underneath it with a lit candle and used the smoke to draw on the glass, using damp q-tips to 'erase' and clean up the lines of hands, then drawing with the smoke again. It's worth noting that this process is dangerous not only because the window can fall on you, but because the heat from the candle flame can potentially 'pop' the glass and cause it to break and shatter all over you. ...yep, I'm smart.

Image/art © Kate NY (=kerosenekate)